Divorce

Looks like this is where Carlos and I are headed. We just had a conversation, and not even a fight, and we both agreed that us being together is just stupid, and we are both bringing eachother down. He is the one that said that he things we should divorce, and I know that he is right. I'm really, really, really sad, because I love him so much, but like I have said before there isn't just anything between us anymore. I know he resents me, I resent him. We both blame eachother for how our lives turned out. We are both the unhappiest we have ever been. He said he would talk to his Mom about moving in there for a while, and then hopefully be able to get an apartment by himself or with a friend. I'm scared, because I don't know what I am going to do. I don't know if I can raise three kids on my own. Three kids who love their Dad so much, and their Dad loves them more than his own life. And, the thought of him not being there with them every day breaks my heart, no it rips my heart completely in half. I can handle not being with Carlos. I can handle realizing that my dream of us growing old together, and being with eachother the rest of our lives is not going to happen. And, I can handle the heartbreak, because my heart was broken by him long ago, and still hasn't healed and obviously probably never will. What I can't handle is the heartreak of three small kids missing their Dad, and the heartbreak of a Man that will not be with his kids every day. I don't know if I can handle the questions of why Daddy doesn't live here anymore.

I feel like I don't have anyone anymore. My Grandma is gone, I rarely talk to my Mom, the rest of my family is sick of my drama. I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't have a soul left to tell me everything will be ok. I feel alone in a world that hates me, and is making my life miserable for a reason I am unaware of. Maybe, Carlos and I not together will change things, maybe the both of us can move on to be happy again. I hope so. But, right now I never see myself being happy again. Life sucks, and if my life were to end this very moment that would probably be for the best.

sweet

cruz is on my lap with his head against my chest, sleeping after i stroked his hair and sang him songs. i just want to remember this moment.

just blah

Before, I become weak and call Carlos crying and asking him to come back I figured I would write here and try and make myself strong again. I hate all the doubt in my head of if I did the right thing by telling him to move out. He is such a good guy, and a great Dad, and he changed his life around, but he can be just such an ass and I still hold so much resentment towards him that I can't stand him. As much as I love him, I hate him. If either of us ever want to be happy in our lives then we just can't be together. But, damn 10 years together is a long time, and the memories, and the history, and what we have been through makes it soo damn hard. I'm doing my best to not cry in front of the kids, and yesterday I did really good, but today all I want to do is cry. He came here this morning to get more things, and drop off some stuff I needed for the kids. We were surprisingly nice to eachother, but the tension was thick. When he was leaving he went and checked on each of the kids when they were sleeping. It was so very, very sad and hard to see. I know he loves his kids more than anything in this world. And, there is part of me that just wants to say, here take them you are the better parent, you have more patience than I do, but I love them wayyyy too much to ever be apart from them. And, I think the reason I feel that way is that he makes me feel that way. With his put downs on my parenting and all. Sure, I am no where near the perfect Mom, but I love my kids and I do my best. I just pray that if we do follow through with this this time that we can be as civil as possible. I do not want to have a messy seperation/divorce. That will be good for no one. And, as long as his bitch-ass Mom can stay out of things, I think it should go smoothly. I would never screw Carlos over, I want him to be ok too. I want him to see the kids as much as possible. The kids need their dad, and it is bad enough that Carlos and I can't be together for them, but I will never keep them from him. God, I just can't stop crying today. I think I will get the kids ready and go for a walk later. Sitting in this house just making myself sad is doing no good. But of course then I will walk outside and look at the pool in the backyard and think about Sunday when we all had such a nice family day out there, and I will probably cry some more. God, I hate emotions.

Time dont heal wounds.

Two years ago today at this time I was more than likely on the computer talking to Shanna. Around 10 I went to try and go to sleep but couldn't so I sat up watching Trauma Life in the ER (ironic if you ask me). I had this weird feeling that something wasn't right and just felt anxious. Around midnight I got the dreaded call from my Mom saying that Grandma B has died. I remember just sitting there in shock for a second and then wailing. I went into the bathroom and bawled, Carlos followed me in there and just held me while I cried. I left and picked up my Mom and we headed to my Grandma R's house. My Aunt and Uncle were already there. We all just sat there, no one saying anything and just cried. The kitchen was dark, and it felt odd being there with everyone that late at night. I saw my Uncle cry for the first time. After about a half hour all of us sitting there in silence, excecpt the crying, my Aunt called the hospital and talked to the head nurse on my Grandma's floor to see if the room was ready for us to come and say our goodbyes to Gram. My Grandpa drove my Aunt, Unlce and Grandma, and my Mom and I drove together. Driving there made it feel so real. I felt sick to my stomach when the hospital came in to sight. The halls were empty and everything was so quiet. We got to her room, and before I even entered it I broke down. I felt like I was going to faint and just wailed. My Mom came to me, and tried to calm me down. I told everyone that I couldn't go in there that it was too hard. I let everyone go first, and then I did go in. My Gram, the person that meant the most to me in my life was laying there dead. Her IV was still inserted and the damn machine was still on. It was eerie to hear the sound of the machine pumping fluids into her dead body. Her head was tilt back and her mouth was wide open. She already looked yellowish. She was in her hospital gown and was covered up by a green hospital blanket. My Grandma was the first to go up to her, I dont remember what she said, but she touched her hand, and her hair and cried. After everyone else went up there, I did the same. I was afraid to touch her, but I did, and I am glad I did. I touched her hand and stroked her hair that was thin from the chemo. I told her I loved her, and sat back down. We all just sat there and cried. I dont think it felt real to us yet. On the shelf next to me I found a blue baby booty. My Gram died not knowing I was pregnant. I to this day think that it was a sign from her saying that she knew, and that I was going to have a boy, which I did. I showed my family in the room what I found and they all said the same thing. This floor my Gram was on was for seriously ill, adult, cancer patients. There was no babies on that floor. It was truly a sign. We stayed there for probably an hour or more, I don't really know, it was all a blur. My Mom and I walked outside to smoke while my Aunt went to the hospital chapel to pray, and my Grandma and Grandpa packed up my Grams's things. Some scary guys came up to us while we were outside, and I seriously thought we were going to be robbed or worse, luckily he just said a few weird things and took off. After that we went back to my Grandma's house for a few minutes and then my Mom and I went to Mickey's Diner and talked. The next two days were a blur, of no sleep, crying, funeral arrangements, breaking down, laughs, tears, family arguments. Then we had her wake and her funeral. It was a beautiful funeral. It was exactly how my Gram would have wanted it.

And, now here I sit 2 years later grieving just like I did that day. Missing her more than I did that day. Time don't heal wounds in this case it just makes them worse. I don't care what people say. I am sick of the bullshit of "it will get better" no it won't. Every day that goes by is one more day I didn't see her, hug her, laugh with her, shop with her, play cards with her, call her, bring the kids to see her. It sucks and it will always suck. I know she was old, I know she "lived her life". But it isn't fair. She was the glue that held me together, and I have fallen apart. She was the glue that held my family together, and we fell apart. She was my world, and my world crashed. Is time gonna fix that? I doubt it. So if you read this and decide to tell me.."it will get better." I will say to you, "I hope so". But in my head I am thinking no the fuck it won't you didn't know my Gram.

Drunk

Ok so Im drunk right now, and Shanna had teh bright idea that I should make a post while im drunk. So here it is.

Hmm, lets bring out my honest thoughts...

Im unhappy with my life I think that has been obvious for a while. I dont know how to change it thouth. I have passed up many opportunites to make it better but I passed em up. They all involved guys I wasnt real sure aboput though. I guess I would rather be somehwat happy ith the guy I am with now? who knows

I love my kids though. If it wasnt for them I would have ended my pathetic life a while ago. Especially Ciara. She was brought here for a true reason and that was to make sure I was ok. I cant explain it, but she is my guardian angel the only one that can make me laugh when I mostly need it and when I found out I was pregnant with her it was what I needed or I would more than likely be worse off than what I am now. I love all of my kids to death and would do anything for them I would die for all of them but there is something with Ciara that just tells me that everything will be ok.

This may sound weird but hell im drunk, I have this feeling that Ciara wont be here that very long, maybe it is because she was so sick as a baby and in the hospital, but this motherly instinct if you want to call it that makes me tell her I love her every time I can.

Anyhow, I still feel incredibly guilty for the promises I made my Grandma before she died and didnt keep and until I feel her again and feel her tell me everything is ok, I know she is upset with me. I miss her more that I think any normal person can understand. She was my living guardian angel and without her I feel vulnerable and worthless. One day I want teh confidence she gave me back. Maybe then I will feel like a worthwhile person again.

Sydney

Today she was MIA for a while so I went to go check on her, there she was laying in her bed reading a book. I am so proud of her that she can read already. She can read so well too. She doesn't even have to sound out words, she just reads like me and you do. She is only 6 and half way through Kindergarten, and the school she goes to is a Spanish speaking school, and we are not a spanish speaking family. So, not only has she learned the basics of kindergarten but has learned to speak another language also. I don't tell her how proud I am of her often enough and today I made sure I did. I love her so much, and so very proud of her!

19 years left to live..

According to this...

You Will Die at Age 46

46 Not bad, considering your super wild lifestyle Want to live longer? Try losing a few bad habits.

What Age Will You Die?

That scares me. I really need to stop doing some things I do. Yikes, that would mean I would die when my kids are 25, 21 and 20. =( Very sad.

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2 years ago today

We found out that my Great-Grandma had cancer. It still doesn't seem fair that my Grandma had to find this out on St. Patricks Day. St. Patricks Day is my Grandma. She loved this day. She was half Irish but she always liked to tell people she was 100% Irish. Her maiden name was O'Leary and she was so proud of that. She had so many different shamrocks and Irish knick-knacks. St. Patricks day will never be the same. All day long I just wanted to call her and wish her a happy St. Pats day. I know shes celebrating though. She is in Heaven dancing the Charleston.

Miss ya Gram, Happy St. Pats Day.