just blah

Before, I become weak and call Carlos crying and asking him to come back I figured I would write here and try and make myself strong again. I hate all the doubt in my head of if I did the right thing by telling him to move out. He is such a good guy, and a great Dad, and he changed his life around, but he can be just such an ass and I still hold so much resentment towards him that I can't stand him. As much as I love him, I hate him. If either of us ever want to be happy in our lives then we just can't be together. But, damn 10 years together is a long time, and the memories, and the history, and what we have been through makes it soo damn hard. I'm doing my best to not cry in front of the kids, and yesterday I did really good, but today all I want to do is cry. He came here this morning to get more things, and drop off some stuff I needed for the kids. We were surprisingly nice to eachother, but the tension was thick. When he was leaving he went and checked on each of the kids when they were sleeping. It was so very, very sad and hard to see. I know he loves his kids more than anything in this world. And, there is part of me that just wants to say, here take them you are the better parent, you have more patience than I do, but I love them wayyyy too much to ever be apart from them. And, I think the reason I feel that way is that he makes me feel that way. With his put downs on my parenting and all. Sure, I am no where near the perfect Mom, but I love my kids and I do my best. I just pray that if we do follow through with this this time that we can be as civil as possible. I do not want to have a messy seperation/divorce. That will be good for no one. And, as long as his bitch-ass Mom can stay out of things, I think it should go smoothly. I would never screw Carlos over, I want him to be ok too. I want him to see the kids as much as possible. The kids need their dad, and it is bad enough that Carlos and I can't be together for them, but I will never keep them from him. God, I just can't stop crying today. I think I will get the kids ready and go for a walk later. Sitting in this house just making myself sad is doing no good. But of course then I will walk outside and look at the pool in the backyard and think about Sunday when we all had such a nice family day out there, and I will probably cry some more. God, I hate emotions.